Crystallized Wisdom
by KisekiMa
Summary: Siegfried cannot say 'no' when asked a favor, so when Sigurd wants to go with Brynhildr on a short trip, the Dragon Slayer takes on his duties… and his glasses. The all-loving hero equipped with crystallized wisdom in a place full of Servants with their strange problems can mean only one thing – total chaos. One shot parody, because "MEGANEKIRAAN!" and fanart by Akira Sakanishi.


"Come on, Siegfried, you're blood of my blood…"

"Huh?"

"…legend of my legend, who else can make it if not you? I'm giving you a part of myself because I'm sure you will know how to use it."

Sigurd was good at giving motivational speeches, especially to his fellow Dragon Slayer. Convincing Siegfried to agree to his plan was now the top priority.

"You're like a younger brother to me, Siegfried. Who else can I trust in such important matter?"

"Hmmm…" Siegfried's expression became even more painful than before. He really didn't know what to think of being praised like that by older, legendary version of himself. "Knowing my luck, it will bring no good…"

"That's a cheap excuse. If you don't want to do it for me, think of Brynhildr." Sigurd could feel that he has almost won, so he pushed on with his plan. "She waited so long for that trip. Don't you want to make her happy?"

That was too much for a poor Dragon Slayer – he lowered his head, defeated.

"Ok, I'll do what I can," he whispered, a little ashamed that it took him so long to agree.

"You are my savior!" Sigurd almost hugged his other self, but in the end only patted him on the shoulder. "Here, take the glasses. When you put them on, you'll know what to do."

Siegfried sighed but accepted the gift - and duties.

"I see that you planned everything but what would you do if I refused?"

Such a cunning smile somehow did not fit a noble hero.

"I knew you wouldn't." Sigurd was strangely sure about it. "But yes, I prepared an emergency plan. Sieg was next in line."

"Really?"

"Rejoice, you saved the boy again!" He already started to dematerialize, murmuring something about preparations for the trip.

"But how do I use it?" It was too late, the other Saber already disappeared. "Hmmm, if this is a kind of Noble Phantasm, which I'm almost sure it is, there should be a phrase to activate its power…"

Siegfried cleared his throat, trying to recall the correct words. He slowly put the glasses on and suddenly just knew what to do.

 _"_ _Very well. If it is for Master's sake, I shall make use of every ounce of my wisdom...! MEGANEKIRAAN!"_

The glasses sparkled and Siegfried could feel how the ancient knowledge is filling his body. It was like he's been born anew. Everything seemed so easy now, he became truly invincible.

"So… time to get to work!"

* * *

Karna blinked several times, not believing his own eyes.

"Siegfried, is that you? What's with that outfit?"

This 'new' Saber looked almost like Sigurd, in his fancy armor, cape and glasses. Only his hair and a trace of dragon crest on his cheek made identification possible.

"I just… suddenly discovered in myself preference for military clothes. And slang. And stylish notebooks… Never mind."

"Oh." Lancer did not know what to think about it. Not that Siegfried looked bad in these clothes, but… Was he still the same person? "And where are you going, if I may ask?"

"Atalanta asked me to find someone to take care of the kids while she'll be on the mission."

"I thought you promised to help Da Vinci-chan in her atelier?"

"We've already finished. It was an easy job once we planned it properly." Saber shrugged like if it was nothing. "Everything has been cataloged at last, it should stay like this for at least two months."

Now Karna was truly shocked, so much that he almost dropped his lance. No one ever wanted to help Da Vinci with cleaning her place, it was an impossible task. Some Servants ended up injured or blown up, others went missing until someone found them weeks later, mentally broken, in some abandoned room…

"Is this the true power of crystallized wisdom?" – Karna whispered when Saber passed by, nonchalantly swinging his majestic cape, as blue as the Northern sky.

Near the door Siegfried bumped into Sasaki Kojiro and his face brightened in an instant.

"Kojiro! I finally understand that you were right all the time."

"Huh?" It was not clear what surprised Assassin more – Saber's words or his new outfit.

"Considering their biology, behavior and anatomy, dragons are, in a matter of speaking, just bigger swallows."

Karna frowned, suspicious. Something was clearly wrong with Siegfried and Lancer, having no important tasks planned for today, decided to keep an eye on him.

* * *

"Wow, you look so cool in this... thing!" Astolfo rushed to Siegfried when he spotted him on the corridor. "Those spikes on your shoulders! And the glasses! That's just crazy!"

"You borrowed Sigurd's glasses?" Sieg with Jeanne came closer, they were discussing something before Saber appeared. "I would like to try them too."

"Are you sure? Your head will hurt."

"I'm a homunculus with your dragon heart, I can make it!"

"Sieg, don't!" Jeanne must have seen something in his nearest future to protest so fiercely. "You may even damage your brain!"

But it was too late, Caster already put on the glasses and froze, struck by the unexpected vision. Siegfried had to forcibly remove his glasses to make the boy breathe again.

"What happened, Sieg?" Astolfo clung to his friend, more excited than he should be. "What did you see? Tell us, tell us!"

"I saw… plot holes." Sieg was truly traumatized, almost to the point of bursting into tears. "And… a plot armor! It hurts! It hurts so much!"

"I've warned you." Jeanne let him hide in her arms, caressing his hair.

"He'll be fine, just needs some aspirin." Siegfried wrote something in his mysterious notebook and was about to leave. "Oh, Rider! I almost forgot." He turned around, adjusting the glasses like a boss. "Casseur de Logistille."

"What?"

"The name of your Noble Phantasm. You always forget it, so I prepared some sticky notes for you. I placed them here and there in your room so you won't forget anymore."

"I know what you mean, but… how did you find out?" Astolfo stared at Saber like if he met him for a very first time, his gaze expressed pure admiration. "Are these glasses so powerful?"

"No, I just used the collective knowledge of humanity gathered in the modern era inside a virtual container," Siegfried explained simply.

"What?" Jeanne, Sieg and Astolfo asked simultaneously, totally lost.

"Here." Saber threw an electronic device to Rider. "It's called Wikipedia. Try to use it sometimes, it's a very helpful tool."

And he walked away, leaving them dazed on the corridor.

* * *

News spreads fast in Chaldea, so Siegfried soon found himself surrounded by Servants and their strange problems.

"Just give me a moment. Ability employed." He cleared the table with one swift movement and activated the power of glasses. Women and children reacted with a short 'Wow!' when he started to write something in his notebook – his hand was moving incredibly fast and his glasses couldn't stop sparkling. "My battle preparations are complete. Here we go! Shakespeare will be the first to take care of the children, I'm sure they will be happy to hear his stories. In exchange Mordred will tell Caster her story and let him write about it. It will happen because Arturia will promise to have a fair duel with her son at last. Arturia Alter will make it possible in exchange for her favorite cheeseburgers. And if we ask Archer to make some sweets later, the conflict of Pendragons should end once and for all. Then we'll ask Spartacus to go…"

Karna, who was observing this mess from the nearest table, sighed, truly concerned.

"Uncle Sieggy!" Jack the Ripper forced her way through the crowd, showing Saber a broken doll. "She's hurt. Please save her!"

"Let's see…" Another sparkle of glasses. "Identification of damage confirmed. I'll fix it within five minutes."

"Yay!"

"Amazing." Atalanta smiled to Karna, clutching the new schedule in her hand. "He's a true hero. Is there anything Siegfried can't do?"

"Yes," Karna replied, serious and worried. He was sure that it won't end well. "He always forgets to take good care of himself."

* * *

"What should we do, Master?" Karna asked, observing Siegfried from the corner like a professional spy. "If we leave him like this, he's going to exhaust himself to death."

Sigurd's glasses seemed to suck out Siegfried's energy and personality with every minute, but the guy was so absorbed in helping others that he completely ignored this fact. His desperate Master brought out the ultimate argument, that the glasses are using up too much magical energy. Siegfried reacted with: 'Affirmative', cut his Master off and kept using his own resources. The crystallized wisdom must have taken him over already to the point of no return.

Thus, a very unusual team gathered to pacify the Dragon Slayer for his own good.

"I can imprison him inside my Duel Field until he agrees to take the glasses off," Achilles proposed. "Then I'll beat the stupid ideas out of him so he'll never do this again."

"He's way too smart for that now. He'd rather talk this over with you until you get lost and agree to his rules." Their Master sighed. "I want my Dragon Boy back! I don't need two Sigurds."

"And Shakespeare's Noble Phantasm?" – Karna asked, although without hope.

"No use." Sieg shook his head. "Siegfried will see through the slightest plot hole or error, I experienced it myself."

"I still can't believe that even the great strategist Zhuge Liang couldn't persuade this guy to stop…" Jeanne Alter looked like a black, grumpy cat, clearly not happy that Master called her to help.

"He neither." Achilles chuckled. "They say he's locked himself in his room and tries to get drunk, murmuring 'Impossible' with every opened bottle."

"I don't want to use a Command Spell for such stupid reason," their Master complained, seeing no other solution.

"Can't we just bind him with Gilgamesh's chain?" Astolfo already got bored of the prolonged brainstorm.

"He has no divinity and he'll surely find the way to free himself." Jeanne Alter grasped her flag and smiled viciously. "But he's still a dragon and I'll make him obey!"

She marched forward with a smile, like entering the battlefield.

"Hey, Siegfried!" Jeanne waved her flag when the Dragon Slayer glanced at her over his shoulder. "Why won't you come here for a while?"

"Why?" He turned around but seemed too busy to come closer, writing new maps for Iskandar in his notebook. "You need help or something?"

"Impossible." The flag hit the floor with an annoying sound. "Since when he has Debuff Immunity?!"

A collective groan was her only answer. The situation was truly hopeless, they've already run out of options.

"Oh, kids, you're so funny." A familiar voice sounded behind Jeanne's back. Scáthach, the Queen of Shadows, entered the scene with her typical, bold attitude. "I'll show you how to deal with such problems. Siegfried, dear!"

She came up to Saber, swaying her hips in a provocative manner, then kissed him without warning.

The audience froze in anticipation. When the passionate kiss ended, Scáthach grabbed the glasses and removed them forcibly from Saber's nose.

"Gotcha!" She smiled, hiding the problematic item in her pocket. "You really overdid this time, Siegfried. You need rest."

He clearly tried to apologize, but fainted, in accompaniment of sighs of relief.

* * *

"I don't remember drinking anything but this headache is just…" Siegfried frowned, not really sure if he's awaken or not. He could barely move and felt like two or three Fafnirs fell on his head. "Wait, why you are here? Master? Karna? Sieg? Sigurd? Astolfo? Jack? Achilles?"

They all smiled, seeing him awake and safe at last.

"What? It's only natural to take care of my little brother." Sigurd adjusted his glasses and, for some reason, it made Siegfried feel sick. "Especially if it's my fault to make him suffer."

"It's not your fault," Siegfried protested fiercely. "I was too weak to use them, that's all."

"After all you did to this place in just one day no one will ever dare to call you weak." Achilles laughed at loud.

"What I did?"

"Uncle Sieggy is great!" Jack came closer and gave him a plate with sweet cookies shaped like dragons. "We made them for you with Archer."

"The kids had so much fun thanks to you, Siegfried." Karna smiled, but his eyes remained focused, almost cold. He clearly wanted to teach Saber a lesson later. "And Pendragons don't fight each other anymore."

"Ah, and I'm not as useless as before thanks to you." Astolfo rubbed his cheek, embarrassed.

"Da Vinci's workshop is clean at last."

"We have a cleaning schedule prepared for two years in advance."

"All maps in the library have been actualized."

"And you fixed every broken item in the entire building."

"Guys, let him rest." Jeanne and Brynhildr entered the room, carrying water and aspirin.

They reluctantly left Siegfried alone with his headache. Only Karna stayed inside, staring at Saber with a strange expression on his smooth, beautiful face.

"Here, your notebook," Lancer said at last and put it on the bed. "I let myself add a short note. It's not a crystallized wisdom but a simple advice. From a friend."

When Siegfried read the note later, his face brightened like never before.

"No wisdom in the world can replace such good friends," he whispered, feeling like the luckiest guy in the entire universe.


End file.
